new day

today feels like a day for a new blog, to ditch this one and start over again.

jobs

i hate filling out applications. i feel like they don't highlight any of my good qualities. i mean what can you really tell about a person from a stupid application? but you have to fill out applications and send in resumes and then people don't call you. i guess you are supposed to call them. but what do you say? did you get my resume?

i'm no good at the whole finding a job thing. mostly i just whine to as many people as possible and eventually people tell me about a job or something.

a terrible 24 hrs

sometimes you push and the world pushes back. 

the last 24 hrs have been interesting for me, maybe not for you, but hey, i'm not forcing you to read my blog. 

i think it all started when i watched this movie called atonement. don't see it; it's terrible. this movie put me in a terrible mood. one of those old dark moods i've escaped from for quite some time. after the movie, i really wanted to write. i sat down at my computer, turned up the jazz music and started to write. i wrote some awful stuff, just awful, worse than this dear-diary-drivel. i wrote and wrote and it sucked and then i was late. i threw on some nice clothes for the poetry recitation competition i was late for. it looked stupid, so i had to iron another shirt, and then i was really late. i got to the competition, had to ask for directions to the auditorium, and found a seat.

sarah, our CHS representative at the competition was first. she delivered a great longfellow poem. i thought she had it. i thought she'd go at least to the second round. a few of the contestants were boring or emotionless, and i thought she would move on. but she didn't.

after the competition i overheard one of the judges say, "Tell your kids to pick better poems. We, contemporary poets, don't like Longfellow. Longfellow is done."

then i found out i probably didn't get the job i was hoping for. (longer story than i want to tell now, ask me later if you want the boring details.)

i went home, went to bed, had another dream that i was demon possessed (again, you'll just have to ask me) and woke up ready to go for a run. i ran down the street and i was already freezing my ass off (actually it was more like my nipples, but that just sounds weird) so i turned around, defeated.

my computer freaked out again (i need to be nicer to my computer). i thought, "i'll just go to school and grab the disk i need to fix it and my printer." it'll be quick.

then i met mrs. davis.

needless to say nothing has gone the way i think it should. nothing has quite worked out for me in the last 24hrs.

a terrible 24 hrs (revisited)

sometimes when i write, it is a painful thing. i start to tell it like it is and suddenly my words turn on me. they change the truth and make what i'm writing not at all "like it is." 

if you've read Till We Have Faces, by CS Lewis, you'll really know what i mean. i think there's a lot of lewis in his main character, orual. i think there's a lot of me in her.

anyway, this is what has happened. my words have turned on me, and as i wrote the last entry (entitled a terrible 24 hrs) this voice (the "i told you so voice" with the humble attitude) told me that i was telling the story all wrong. so i'll tell it again.

sometimes you pray and God answers back.

the last 24 hrs have been interesting for me, and maybe for you if you keep reading.

it actually all started with lunch at roosters. i needed to get out of the house, and a friend needed to get out of the house. so we got out of the house, and i had some pretty good fish tacos and better company.

after watching a movie, i went home and i wrote. i haven't written in quite some time, so it was good. the writing wasn't good, but it was exercise. even a bad run is still better than sitting on the couch like a potato.

i realized that i was running a little behind for the poetry competition i was going to. i managed to get dressed, find gum, and get to the competition in time to greet sarah's parents (sarah's representing CHS at the competition) and meet up with my salt lake teacher friend, linda. (who is a riot to sit next to. non-stop talk. linda always has something to say.) linda told me there's an english position open at her school, to which i am now going to apply.

sarah did a great job and blamed me for jinxing her, which i'm really glad, because she performed really well and should have moved on to the second round. she recited one of my favorite poems. 

after the competition i met the guy (his name is actually guy) who runs the competition and he invited me to the arts council dinner and said we could get a visiting artist to come to our school next year for the competition. 

the long ride home was shortened by a phone call with nate and ash. i promptly fell dead asleep, woke up early, made a trip to school, and got some ideas for the hit play i'm writing.

when i got home, i plugged in a disk to fix my computer and watched a movie while it did its magic. the movie was pretty good, called "breach" and it had a happy ending.

after the movie, i thought i might die if i had to send my computer back to apple or spend more money on it, but miraculously it is fine.

so, it's been a strange 24 hrs, but i can't help but feel like there's been someone watching out for me the whole time.

i'm more than 28 and a half

something terrible happened to me today. now i know i complain about people treating me like i'm young. i don't really care that i look  young, i just don't want to be treated like i'm young. but today, i went to smiths to get some guinness for the st. paddy's day party tomorrow and i was NOT carded. nope. they didn't even ask for my ID. this is a sad, sad day for me.

someday

someday i'll learn to keep my mouth shut. some day i'll learn to let it roll off my back. someday i'll stop asking questions. someday i'll do what i'm told. someday. but not today.

smells like spring

my haikus have satisfied my blogging desire until now. it felt like spring this weekend and maybe this lightened my spirits a little. maybe its because my bank account isn't below zero, or maybe because the weather isn't below zero, or maybe i'm learning to be content (ha!). whatever the case i find it quite amazing that i'm finished all the work for my master's degree, that i'm getting a tax refund, that debbie is helping me find a new job, that i am alive.

this possession thing

i don't want to be ungrateful. i'm really thankful that i can drive a car home and be warm. actually today i had a meeting and i didn't have to worry about the bus. i even went to walmart (i used giftcards) and bought groceries (something i haven't done since my car died). i've even been using the car to go get lunch (sushi yesterday, jamba today-3G don't get it, its gross). but as i went down wall today i stopped at an intersection and there was a guy standing at a bus stop, his head turned opposite of traffic, looking down the road for his bus and i felt apart from him, apart from the world really. npr blared on and the light changed and i was home before i knew it. i sorta miss riding the bus, my headphones, walking, the cold air.

it was a strange moment at this intersection, the young man waiting for the bus and me driving this nissan truck. things just felt sort of wrong. i'm not sure i'm cut out for the life i'm supposed to want. i'm finding life sort of ordinary and bland. i think my haikus suck since i stopped riding the bus. and sometimes i think the education system is counter-productive and i'm just working for the man.

i just want to be satisfied in Christ alone.

freezing my ass off

as i walked home from class today i thought: is it really worth it all? what is worth freezing my ass off for? for love? for food? for fun? for education?

i'm not so sure about that last one, especially after hours of boring lecture.

i thought: maybe i could just quit right now, stop taking these classes, stop worrying about principals and parents, stop grading, stop making up new lessons and new strategies and new rubrics.

and then the worst thought of all came to my mind: i can't do that? what else would i do?

and then i really wanted to quit. if the only thing that is keeping me there is that i don't know what else i would do, that this misery is sort of comfortable, and/or maybe i'll never be nothing more, nothing better, then i am in a sadder state than i thought.

after 7 hours of standardized tests

what if we taught students how to evaluate themselves instead of evaluating them?
what if we taught students to give and receive constructive criticism instead of giving them grades?
what if we taught students to ask questions instead of us asking all the questions?
what if we taught students how to solve problems instead of how to fill out worksheets?
what if we taught students the joy of a job well done instead of punishing them for being lazy?
what if we taught students that being a student was their job instead of preparing them for their job?
what if we taught students to do it on their own instead of doing it for them?
what if we taught students about values instead of rules?

sometimes school seems like such a waste of time. what if it wasn't?

check out this article

BWC : Standing Up Straight

here i am frowning on the bus holding my gloves in one hand and a pen in the other feeling sorry for myself

there's a lady with frail legs on the bus
they barely keep her weight up
and some ailment takes her balance
she uses a walker with tennis balls on the feet to help
but she almost falls as the
bus takes off again.
somehow she smiles.

Leeland – Tears Of The Saints

i wish i could take a vacation from thinking

going to california was great. i liked being away from utah for a while. it reminded me that california isn't any better than utah. but i also think that doesn't mean there isn't something better out there.

ps one of my new years resolutions is to write a haiku a day

check it out

God is weird

He moves in secret ways that I cannot understand. This becomes apparent at unexpected times and always at exactly the right times. 

I believe that every tiny detail of my life is organized by God. Every trip or trial, every gift or grace, every speck or star has been designed by Him. 

These order of events seldom seem to make sense and I often feel like I'm headed on the path to nowhere. But every now and again I'm attacked at every angle with strange kindnesses, inexplicable blessings and the things that seemed so bad, suddenly line up for a moment, like the planets, and it all makes sense.

These moments are often brief for me, my viewpoint quickly changes and the planets seem out of whack. If only I could learn that even the chaotic spinning and orbiting, the seasons and day and night, are just as organized and just as good as the alignment, my life would be happier.

But, today I am thankful for the following:

it was just a tiny hose,

a snowstorm,

finding an old friend,

a plane ticket,

a really stupid conversation,

a really good conversation,

free gas,

free food,

a ride to barnes and noble and a double cheeseburger at McDonald's,

emergen-c,

trivial questions,

and a million other details i missed.

deep thoughts (wenzel eloquence?)

the same dark spirit, the one that i felt in the distance behind me in early october, the one--not easily silenced--silenced for a moment up on a mountain, the one that pushed against me until i retreated, the one that followed me to new york and back, the one that my polish poet friend read about in a crumpled paper, stalks me even now,  but there is more space between us. either i have quickened my pace, or he has slowed his. 

whichever the reason, or both, this space is clearly from a stronger spirit. 

it's hard to describe exactly how i know this, or how it has happened. mostly its a quiet voice that whispers 

I told you so.

that's clearly the message, but the tone is quite different from the phrase's normal connotations. Its a tiny smirk, like a last look, the kind of look that you know something is up, a look only those close to you and wonderful can give, the kind that you can't respond to because you don't really know what you are responding to, but only moments later you find an unspeakable gift and it's too late to thank the person because they are gone, or at least a thank you seems trite and you know that the feeling inside you is thanks enough, and that is what the gift giver knew they would bring you. that the person knew this is almost the gift itself, the tiny smirk, the tiny, loving "i told you so" is almost the gift, but it much more than that, something inexplicable.

friends, and fellow doubters, i implore you to listen for this tiny voice wherever you can find it, even if its not in the normal places like church and such, especially in this strange and busy season that can seem so fake and pretty and lonely--a voice once found in a little manger in a very big world. 

Ordinary Life

Our life is ordinary,

I read in a crumpled paper

abandoned on a bench.

Our life is ordinary,

the philosophers told me.

Ordinary life, ordinary days and cares,

a concert, a conversation,

strolls on the town's outskirts,

good news, bad--

but objects and thoughts

were unfinished somehow,

rough drafts.

Houses and trees

desired something more

and in summer green meadows

covered the volcanic planet

like an overcoat tossed upon the ocean.

Black cinemas crave light.

Forests breathe feverishly,

clouds sing softly,

a golden oriole prays for rain.

Ordinary life desires.

~ Adam Zagajewski

translated by Clare Cavanagh

blogging live from new york its saturday night

i'm excited to go home. only i'm excited to go to a home where my car isn't dead and i don't have to go to work the next day for really stupid meetings and other more home type things. unfortunately that home does not exist.

nyc

i feel like i still haven't washed out the smell of antifreeze from my skin and hair. its not just this smell that has followed me to new york; the same dullness, distance, loneliness has followed me. these are somehow easier in the city, though, easier when you are riding the subway, or eating at a manhattan restaurant or passing the trump tower and time warner building. easier because that is the spirit of the city and it would be so easy to just let go and dissolve into it and all its shiny, gritty meaninglessness. 

pray for me

does it ever feel like you can't go on living such a meaningless life? it does for me, especially when what used to seem meaningful isn't anymore, like my job, and my church, and my relationships.

i've decided to take some time off. not from work, because that's not really possible, but from other things.

just can't seem to get it right today

i haven't really gotten out of bed all day today except to sprint outdoors to answer my phone several times and once to make myself a cheese sandwich and check the mail. now, after updating my mac to the new OS, re-re-organizing my bookmarks, and downloading some new songs, i ought to be grading papers. but instead i'd rather blog.

i left early yesterday, drove my little car in the dark of the morning (which to me if it's dark, it's night, but technically it was morning) to roy. roy always seems like the wrong side of the tracks to me. i'm sure it's just as wonderful as anywhere else in utah. there's a little coffee shop there on 1900. i don't remember what it's called, but i had to park in the back and wait for my carpool. while waiting i went inside and got a cranberry white chocolate chip scone which was good and some coffee which was not. 

the conference (that's why i got up early, to go to this conference at byu. for all of you who get mailings from chs you can read all about how this is my second year being selected to be a presenter - he said with a smirk) was largely un-commentworthy but i ate a huge piece of carrot cake with large chunks of carrots and very good frosting (the only really good part of carrot cake) and a salad. 

for second lunch i had egg nog ice cream at the byu creamery. the ice cream was great, the atmosphere was surreally frightening. 

then we went out to dinner. it was one of those restaurants where the waiters pull out your chair for you and plop your napkin on your lap. my glass was filled about a thousand times with sparkling water (no one was drinking wine) and i had bruschetta and melon with ham and something with anchovies and something with pear and something with spinach and very very tasty mushrooms then duck and chicken and fish and veal and pork and then cheesecake and chocolate souffle and cannoli and some really really good coffee (which i drank black.) the name of the restaurant is something that means tuscan kitchen i think but my italian is terrible. 

i have an hour to grade now, before i go to the movies. i think i will spend it on making plans for the summer.

i saw the new wes anderson film

i saw the new wes anderson film tonite. it was amazing.

in some places the stars really do shine brighter

a thousand doubts may plague my mind, but when i look up at the stars in nordic valley, for a moment they are silenced.

coffee shop thoughts

i'm at the coffee shop. the one on harrison next to starbucks. i like this coffee shop, not as much as got coffee, but i like it because its different. its not grounds and its not starbucks.

i'm supposed to be doing work, but i'm not. i finished reading specials, and i wrote an email to an old friend. i can't seem to get to my school work. it just seems so pointless, pointless like watching hours of tv two nights in a row.

those old moods are upon me again, the ones that tell me to pack up and leave, that there's something better somewhere else, that if i'm still single i ought to be doing something adventurous and fun that attached people can't do.

i'm getting that bogged down feeling again.

Blogged with Flock

dirty little secret

i played hooky today. yup. i skipped ptc's. i ate some soup at school and then i went home. i played some ddr, bought my plane ticket to nyc and finished the last of the office dvd's.

i don't want to go to school tomorrow.

left wanting more

what an insane week this has been. circumstantially i've had a great week. but things just don't feel right. i'm left wanting more, something deeper, something more meaningful.

whining about work

i do not want to go to work tomorrow.

i'm supposed to make a poster for academic decathlon, which i put off till tonite. then i have stupid teacher meetings all day on monday. then i'm supposed to install two video projectors, then its back to school nite. i also am missing bible study because of work. grr.

good news and bad news

good news: glendo & katee are back
bad news: i got a facebook account

wes anderson

there's a new wes anderson movie coming out in september!

oh new england

the new england center - the hotel i'm at



before i left, i asked God to show me something in new hampshire.

in my unending cynicism i braced myself for the lesson i was to learn, or not learn, again. even now, in the back of my mind, i'm waiting for the shit to hit the fan, so to speak.

i woke up today and pulled back the curtains of our window. i'm on the fourth floor and can look up to see the tops of tall trees and the sky. below are the trunks of those and shorter trees and a little stream that flows through them. beyond the trees closest to me are tall pines. i can't see anything beyond that.

i went for a walk. i took a little path through the woods, passed some granite and got quite lost looking for the city. (the combination of my lack of sense of direction and the lack of mountains or the grid system for that matter, didn't help much.)

eventually i found downtown, and a coffee shop. i got a large iced coffee for 2.25 which seemed really cheap to me, and sat down to read till we have faces.

i was supposed to spend the day working on school stuff. and i have. but somewhere along the line, before i knew where i was going, sort of wandering, lost, God worked it out that my work would allow me to read my favorite novel in the world.

i asked God to show me something in new hampshire.

and he has. i've seen a lot.

and it all points to him.

i asked Him to show me something and he showed me Himself, like he always does. my heart longs for much, and i think i know what it wants, but he has given me what it needs, what it really wants, and that is Himself.

i'm amazed at how much weight of glory has been on my mind. i'm so glad we're reading it in grow groups. i'm amazed at how much it ties into till we have faces. i'm amazed at the nh creation God has made. i'm amazed how all these things and a thousand others all point to Him. i'm amazed that He chose to love me and give me a joy i could never (nor have yet) imagined.

going back east

well, i'm leaving tomorrow for my sister's wedding. pray for me.

going to camp

i'm spending the next week at camp. please pray for me and the counselors and campers i'm in charge of. whitney said 'you talk about camp so much, why aren't you there?' well, whit, its not that simple. nothing is that simple with me. but a bunch of stuff has happened to lead me there. signing off for a long time (coming home from camp thursday, leaving for the bute wedding friday, coming home sunday night).